K(NO)W PAIN, K(NO)W GAIN

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THE TITLE TO THIS POST IS ACTUALLY A MINOR MODIFICATION of  a Nike ad  which in turn was actually a very meaningful adaptation of an age old adage : no pains, no gains. Personally however, if all of us have quick fixes at arms length we would of course reach for them almost reflexively.  Indeed, the whole world of apps revolves around making life easier, more convenient.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I WISH TO DWELL ON the possibility of securing enormous gains by the sheer consequence of our own, individual painstaking efforts.  By way of example, while Google’s search engines will bring information at our finger tips, our own understanding of the world around us depends entirely on the application of our own minds, the time we take to reflect on what we see, read and listen to. Technology eliminates the efforts in securing information but it cannot eliminate what we as humans need to do.   Likewise, there are no easy options at all in the mastery of a skill.  A lazy singer endowed with a great voice may meet oblivion faster than he or she imagined in comparison to a mediocre one who, by putting in countless hours of practice perfects his or her voice to the level of an absolute master.  The same goes for sport, writing, scientific research, and all of the fine arts.  While we marvel at the way Tiger Woods, Roger Federer or Sachin Tendulkar play, the deceptive ease with which  they execute their strokes conceals the several thousand hours of self denying toil, industry and patience they have put in to reach their present levels.  Furthermore, to remain consistent in their performance, they have no options but to continue taking pains, raising the bar, each time. If  I remember rightly, it was Malcolm Gladwell who said that a minimum of 10,000 hours was required for the mastery of a basic skill aside of the right environment where talent has to be nurtured. (Those interested must read his Outliers,where,amongst other very interesting examples, the efforts behind the extraordinary success of The Beatles is documented.)

RATHER THAN DESPISE THEM, WE SHOULD CONSIDER ourselves fortunate if we have the opportunity to be apprenticed or work under task masters who will demand nothing but the best and who will keep raising the bar each time we do better.  In many ways, the ancient gurukula system ensured this and the leading classical singers of Hindustani and Carnatic music regale us often with inspiring stories about their mentors who had exacting standards of performance.  As is often said, there is no way of knowing what perfection is – we can only be on a perennial journey towards it. If we are not fortunate enough to have a guru or a mentor we should ourselves have a healthy cynicism about our own “achievements so far”  and aspire for things higher than what we are accustomed to.

THE TROUBLE WE TAKE TO EXCEL IN WHATEVER WE DO and the pains we take to deliver a better result each time the same activity is performed again helps us reach and experience a level of happiness and fulfillment that is individual and unique.  We have to therefore know pains to experience gains and there are no quick fixes at all here.

THE VIRTUES OF DELAYED GRATIFICATION

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“IF YOU FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK, YOU CAN go out to play” is something that you hear often in every home with children except that, nowadays,  “playing” has probably been replaced by “watching TV.”  Although this is essentially an effort-reward equation at play, in real terms it is a commonplace illustration of delayed gratification.

OUR ACTIVITIES ARE OFTEN DESIGNED with the expectation of rewards or remuneration quite simply because there is no free lunch in life.  However it is entirely possible to bring in phenomenal changes in our own personal lives by adopting the practice of delayed gratification.  There are no external agents or donors involved except  ourselves.  We have nothing to prove to the outside world – we only have to be true to ourselves.  We simply reward ourselves on completion of a task that we had set out to do; not earlier ! The trick is to postpone an indulgence that we fancy after we have done something that is useful or essential – for ourselves, of course.   It could become more structured if we plan a rewards system for ourselves when we knock off each item from our To Do Lists.  

I HAVE MY OWN REWARDS SYSTEM DEVISED SOLELY FOR myself and I would keep adding my indulgences to the list (which are indeed many) and link them to the tasks, however mundane that remain to be done –  say, viewing a film after old papers have been cleared, filed or shredded; a stroll out in a shopping mall (leaving cash and credit cards behind!) after I have read at least 100  pages of a book that I have begun to read; a steaming cup of Nescafe with sugar-free French Vanilla Splenda thrown in after I have had a brisk walk for an hour in the morning but also after have written a blog and posted it; inviting friends for dinner after the house has been tidied up…so on and so forth.  Every person will doubtless have his or her own schema of delayed gratification, of course !

SINCE WHAT IS SOUGHT TO BE POSTPONED is something that we feel impulsive about, the temptation to say “Let me do it next time round, not now” is pretty strong particularly when we have only recently adopted this practice.  I must say that the practice hardens one’s resolve, makes us more disciplined and brings in sharp focus to all that we do. It has other spin off benefits too – automatically our time management skills improve and we become relatively stress free.

REACTING IMPULSIVELY WAS A DEFINING TRAIT in my character (it still is, but to a lesser extent,I would say now) and with my recent adoption of the practice of delayed gratification, I do feel more healthier and positive.  I recently stumbled on the details of the Marshmallow Experiment conducted by Walter Mischel and Ebbe Ebbeson at the Bing Nursery School at Stanford University in 1960 with follow up studies in 1988 and later years on the same subject samples*, where the conclusion was that “children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes.” The experiment  had its flaws  but I do feel vindicated although I started this experiment pretty late in life and I feel emboldened to recommend the practice of delayed gratification strongly to my readership, free of charge ! 

*read further at en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

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AFTER SEVEN ODD YEARS OF GIVING AND RECEIVING unconditional love, Dooey, passed away after a brief illness. It has left the families in “Mukund” (its principal home), “Anizham”, “Sai Villa” and “Sukriti” in a pall of gloom from which it will take some time for them to emerge.  I mentioned the four houses because Dooey was, in a manner of speaking, not just a sentinel for them but also part of family too ever since it was picked up seven years ago as a stray pup in search of a home in Kannur.  The four houses are all housed in one compound and Dooey was the object of their affection.

IT IS NOT FOR NOTHING THAT A DOG IS termed as man’s best friend and I think it is probably even wrong to call a dog a pet.  Dooey not only behaved but it was also recognized as part of the family. It was extraordinarily vigilant  and this applied for vehicles too !  If an auto other than the family owned one got past the main gate it would continue to bark unless told that there was no need to !  Dooey loved playing with children ( eight of them in the four houses mentioned) and chasing cats round the house, which incidentally also vied for our attention.  It had its own distinct barks that appeared to say ” Time for a Walk” or “Hey, I am hungry too!” and its principal care giver Jesna decoded them easily.  

JESNA AND DOOEY HAD THEIR DAILY conversations.  Dooey was ailing for about a fortnight.  It was in pain and the family which could not bear to see him suffer was even contemplating euthanasia with the vet. The family at Mukund had gone on a day long pilgrimage nearby and when they returned, Dooey placed its face in Jesna’s palms, and after a brief moment collapsed.  It was as if Dooey was waiting for them to return. I would like to believe that the family cat Snowy would be missing Dooey too.

WHEN FAMILIES HAVE PETS, THE ELEMENT OF CARING and considerateness gets elevated to a higher plane and when a pet dies, the bereavement is no less than what one experiences when a person in the family departs.  

R.I. P. DOOEY.    

DON’T WE NEED TO BE MOVED SOMETIMES ?

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ALTHOUGH THE GOOGLE VIDEO PORTRAYING the reunion of long lost friends in India and Pakistan had gone viral a few months ago, I happen to view it only the other day and by the time I completed its viewing I was misty eyed, moved beyond words.  It was as if I had seen the whole of Veer Zara in less than five minutes !  For Google the video clipping was an eloquent testimony for its search capabilities.  For all viewers it was also a demonstration that regardless of religion or nationality there is innate goodwill and humanity resident in all of us.  

HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE MOVED BEYOND WORDS as we face the rough and tumble of life each day ?  I would like to believe that if we are not touched by things that happen around us, we are denying ourselves the kinship we have with the world at large. No man is an island and this is a truism that cannot be wished away.

COMING TO THINK OF IT, ALL GREAT WORKS OF ART – be it a great film, a breathtaking photograph, a painting, a musical score, a novel, a poem or even for that matter a seminal work of non-fiction have their source in the psychological moment, an event or a crying need that influenced some one profoundly.  As with art, so it is with philanthropy.  The world would not have had  the Missionaries of Charity, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation or say, the Khan Academy otherwise.

IN OUR LIVES, WE ARE MOVED BY THE GESTURES, and acts of kindness done by people unconditionally, by the sheer goodwill they have towards us and, likewise, in turn, without realizing it, we do things that bring immeasurable happiness to persons who are moved by our thoughtful and well meaning actions.  The purpose of all art is, I think, is  to retain humanism within all of us which is so essential for survival.  While our good actions may not necessarily be propelled by art, it surely acts as a catalyst.

I REMAIN MISTY-EYED EACH TIME I VIEW A CLIPPING in TED.COM – be it that of Philippe Petit or Susan Cain.  Feelings of empathy and understanding seize me and I feel hopeful that with people like these in our midst, the world is indeed a wonderful place.  This also happens to me when I see a movie like Chak De or Rocket Singh or when I hear the story of Dasharath Manjhi who carved a path all alone  through a mountain in Gelhour Hills near Gaya in Bihar over a period of 22 years in memory of his wife (soon to be a biopic by Ketan Mehta starring Nawazuddin Siddiqui).  When Amartya Sen expounds his Idea of Justice or Katherine Boo takes us on a conducted tour of the world Behind the Beautiful Forevers, I cannot help proclaiming, “I know now, because I  understand !”

ART AND LITERATURE HELP US TO BECOME citizens of the world.  The pictures posted in lightbox.time.com, for instance,  are visceral, crying aloud for us to be aware, to take action.  As was the case with Raghu Rai’s snaps on the Bhopal Gas Tragedy.  All of this may impel us to do small  acts of kindness, which, in their own way, make a difference to the world. It does pay therefore to be moved at times for our own emotional well being and for building a bridge to the world around us and this surely is not idle romanticism.


BUSYNESS AND BOREDOM

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BY THE TIME IT IS THURSDAY OUT HERE in the Gulf or Friday elsewhere in the world, “plans for the weekend” would have fallen in place for millions worldwide.  For many, the weekend is specially reserved to do all the things that they could not have accomplished during week days such as  “weekend laundry”, “weekend chores”, “weekend reading”, “weekend time with family and friends” and of course “weekend entertainment!”

DESPITE THE INTENSITY OF OUR INVOLVEMENT in one activity or another, there are days when we feel relatively depressed,  when the “tyranny of routine” numbs us into ennui. This becomes more pronounced when, at times, our normal avenues for weekend entertainment do not sufficiently interest us – there is no film worth viewing or a play worth watching or a concert worth attending,  for example. That is the time when we should hold the bull of boredom by its horns and refuse ourselves from succumbing to aimless depression.  That is the time when we should ask ourselves every possible question :  when was the last time we listened to our own music collection ?  Visited an old friend ? Made that call conveying our congratulations long overdue ?  Or apologized to a person whom we offended unnecessarily ?  Walked briskly for an hour at least or worked out in the gym ? Cooked a favorite dish ? Spring cleaned our homes ? Read that particular book which we always wanted to read ?  Wrote our wills ? And as that memorable Emirates airline ad used to tease us often not so long ago : when was the last time we did something for the first time ? The questions are infinite and would have a million variations depending entirely on where we are and what we do.  Yet, if we have taken the trouble of implementing the answers to these questions seriously, we have pretty much conquered boredom.

NEEDLESS TO ADD, IF WE HAVE ENOUGH ON OUR HANDS to do and accomplish we will probably never have to confront the beast of boredom (although we may to grapple with other questions) and the lament we may probably harbor then is why does  a day have only twenty four hours !

WHAT MAKES YOUR DAY ?

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DURING MY 9 to 5 CAREER DAYS, THE REVERSAL of the car into the office parking lot in a single manoeuvre was usually the harbinger of a perfect day ahead.  This did not happen every day of course and in the days it happened, my mind would be on a self-congratulatory mode  as it was a sign for me that I was sufficiently alert and living in the moment, so to speak !  On some days when it happened, the euphoria  of a wonderful day ahead soon disappeared by the time I reached my office and switched on my computer as en route I had met the CEO in the elevator who reminded me of a draft that was overdue by a couple of days!

WHAT “MAKES OUR DAY” USUALLY DEPENDS on what we do.  Quite often our helpful interaction with our colleagues elicits a reaction :  “You made my day !”  For someone in customer service, the satisfactory disposal of a difficult complaint can make his or her day.  For a solicitor the unearthing of a precedent that had remained elusive for days can elicit a shriek of delight.  A salesman who has bagged an order on a particular day that met his monthly or weekly target may transport him to near Nirvana.  A Reuters screen flashing a fund manager’s anticipated stock price or interest level would probably prompt him to yell  “I told you so!”  For a working couple, an incident-free call from the maid in charge of their kids makes it one heaven of a day.  

QUITE NATURALLY WE PAY AN INORDINATE AMOUNT of attention to one single incident that “makes our day”.  Conversely, if “there is no paper in the photocopier” or a number we call is “continuously engaged” or if “the printer is not working” could well be instances that can pretty much ruin the start of a “perfect day” ahead. If the gas has run out at home or if the maid calls to say that “she is down with flu”  a day which started hopefully can be pretty much “hopeless!”

WHEN WE ARE AT WORK, THERE ARE several things which occur that are beyond the realm of our control and these should not be allowed to disturb our equanimity as our focus should remain relentlessly on scoring off as many items we can from our To Do Lists.  When we are done with the last item on our TDL for a given day on that very day itself, that is when we can pat ourselves on our backs and say that we have had a perfect day and that the day was truly “made”.

TIMING IT RIGHT

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SOMETIMES ONE WONDERS IF THE INDIAN obsession with muhurthams (the most auspicious time frames) and rahukaalams (time periods to avoid) is not entirely without foundation.  At the end of the day, these timings are computed with reference to the planetary system and considering the fact that Earth is itself a planet, the calculation of timings may have something to do with universal interdependence although rationalists would dismiss this as a piece of mumbo-jumbo.  A friend tells me that he tied the marital knot 30 years ago strictly adhering to the auspicious time frame and that his marriage has survived only because of this.  I would not be surprised however if there are examples where marriages conducted in strict adherence to astrological stipulations have also failed.  In an entirely different context, I remember dealing with a client’s request that the execution of loan documents be completed surely between 5.30 and 6.00 pm on a particular day.  To the best of my knowledge, he paid his loans on time and the bank I worked for was quite happy.

REGARDLESS OF THE ASTROLOGICAL IMPERATIVES, in our day to day lives we do need to get our timings right.  I must say that this is not a breeze.  Some do it instinctively, others by trial and error and yet others always get in wrong.  It ultimately boils down to efficient time management. I am either very early or too late for an appointment although I try my best to avoid being late.  Some have actually mastered the art of being on time – neither too early or fashionably late but on the dot and I envy them.  I know a person who will adamantly stick to her schedule and make no changes to it and while I thought that she was being difficult  I got to know later that she always factored in all the elements involved before committing a time frame.  Once committed, one could always trust her to deliver what was expected of her.

A LOT OF HOMEWORK GOES INTO DECIDING the right time for release of a film, the launch of a book, a new product or a service.  If one has got it wrong it would take a while to recover not only the financial loss but also the opportunity to time it better is probably lost forever. Even if a particular product or service  is strong on fundamentals there is also the extra edge to be gained by its timely launch or introduction.  It is not for nothing that Aamir or Sharukh Khan defer their film releases.

NO ONE TIMES IT BETTER THAN NATURE, OF COURSE !  One has only to observe the change of seasons which occur with such spectacular regularity except in cases where man has messed things up ecologically. Right timing as far as we mortals go, is the consequence of an acute awareness of one’s own surroundings, one’s own homework as well as the respect one has for another’s time.  The presence of these elements enables one to sail through one’s daily schedules smoothly – else it would only be a transition from one chaos to another. 

THE "WHY’ OF THINGS

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ENGAGED AS I AM THESE DAYS in a massive de-cluttering exercise, I have still not emerged from the state of “negative awe” – if you will permit me to use the expression.  I keep wondering what on earth has made us accumulate stuff all these years many of which have remained unused after the initial whiff of enthusiasm that barely lasted a few days or months of purchase.  It is indeed time to ask the question “why” pretty hard each time we contemplate a buy so that we inch closer towards a simple,  hassle free existence.
I HAVE BROUGHT BOOKS IN THE HOPE that one would read them soon – some of them have remained unread for years. As with books, so with clippings. One cuts out an article in the hope that one would read it later at leisure – it never gets read.  As time passes, some of these clippings have already lost their relevance.  If we look at our wardrobes, we will find clothes that we have never worn for years.  I dread to talk about shoes ! There is hardly a room in the house that is devoid of excess. Pictures and artifacts that do not make sense, pens that don’t work, crockery that is seldom used, DVDs and CDs that have not been seen or listened to, table lamps not switched on ever, clocks which have stopped working….The list is pretty endless.  Yet the crowning irony of it all is the sense of extreme reluctance which one cannot get rid of so easily when one makes an effort to remove or give the stuff away !

IN AN EARLIER POST, I ALLUDED TO a minimalist life.  I am still a long way away from that ideal but it is not something that is entirely elusive.  Before we contemplate buying anything we need to ask the simple question “WHY”, probably repeatedly.  The age old adage that necessity is the mother of invention has long been rendered irrelevant.  We have moved inexorably towards an age where we feel the need for things merely because they exist. Clever, subliminal advertising also ensures this. On the other hand, there is something what the French call the raison de’ etere (reason for existence) for everything in life.  If we do not understand this, or more correctly, if we do not closely examine our needs we would end up drowning ourselves in things that are totally inessential for us.  And we would forget the essentials – say, a first aid box or for  that matter a match box or a lighter.   I am also tempted to add a flashlight to this list  but my wife reminds me that it is already built into my mobile !

THE USEFULNESS OF OBITUARIES

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WHILE MANY HEAD FIRST TO THE SPORTS OR  crossword page when they have picked up their newspaper (yes, newspapers will  still  be lying outside the door or inside a balcony to be picked up in many parts of the world), I instinctively reach for the Obituaries column of the paper that I read.  Lest you misunderstand me, mine is not a morbid fascination.  On the contrary, reading an obituary is a reminder for me always about the preciousness of our own lives while we are alive, the way we influence others, and how we may be missed or remembered…

THE FRONT PAGE OF A NEWSPAPER MAY REPORT, say, that 67 people were killed in Iraq or Syria. As we down our chai or coffee reading this report, the fact of precious lives lost slips from our memories as easily as the chai or coffee has slid down our throats.  Death degenerates into a piece of statistic soon to be forgotten. Yet when we read an individual obituary insertion or column, particularly an insert from a bereaved family, we soon realize how much the family has lost, and the sense of grief that has befallen them. Many of course may not like to read or hear about death at all.  John Donne, epitomized all of this in his immortal lines :

Any man’s death diminishes me, because 
I am involved in Mankind; And therefore 
Never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
it tolls for thee

Death when spoken of generally, does not, regrettably, affect us personally  in sharp contrast when it is on an individual plane.  Erich Maria Remarque, author of All Quiet on the Western Front  aptly said that the tragedy of war is not that there are deaths but that death itself ceases to be a tragedy.  

OBITUARIES ALSO REMIND US THAT IT  it takes all sorts of people to make up this world and that on an individual plane we all have our pluses and minuses.  Objectively, others would view us “warts and all” and so it should be when we look at others.  (We are still far, far away, before we begin shaking hands with clones in our shop floors and workstations).  It is customary of course, that if one attends a funeral one would only  hear a eulogy : the principle de mortius nil nisi bonum  (of the dead (say) nothing but good ) is here to stay.

IF ANYONE HAS PERFECTED THE FINE ART of writing obituaries, it is Ann Wroe, who writes the  Obituary column for The Economist.  Everyone featured in this column  is assessed with such empathy and objectivity that by the time one has finished reading the piece one is seized with the feeling that one knew the person very well and how he or she influenced the world while alive.  I learnt more about Shammi Kapoor, Veerappan and NT Rama Rao from her column than I did from our desi papers, not to speak of persons as diverse as Bobby Fischer or Estee Lauder that were featured in the column.(Would strongly recommend reading The Economist Book of Obituaries)

MY INTEREST IN OBITUARIES HAS OFTEN made me take a hard look at myself.  Thoughts like whether I would at all be remembered or missed, whether I would leave my own little spheres of influence in the small circle of the world that I inhabit a better place, so on and so forth.  In essence therefore, this interest of mine with obituaries is entirely positive.  I realize that it is not for nothing that even the Koran exhorts believers to remember death several hundred times in a day so that we realize always how precious life is before death snatches it way !

"KNOWING HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH"

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IF I REMEMBER RIGHTLY, WHEN  HUGH SIDEY (who penned The Presidency column for Life magazine) asked Mrs Ladybird Johnson on how she felt while leaving the White House at the end of President Johnson’s term, she quipped  a la Cinderella, ” Well, coaches turn into cabbages…”  Now that I have quit my job voluntarily, I have been preoccupied making a list of things that I can do without, things that are good to have but not entirely essential, et al. Curiously enough, when I flipped through the pages of my notebook (actually you could call it a scrapbook where I jot down all things that interest me), I stopped at the entry which read “Hedonic Adaptation”.  There was only a brief explanatory note to the two words in question :  a phenomenon in which you quickly get used to better circumstances !

IMPROVING ONE’S STATION IN LIFE is probably the prime driver why we all work, taking the issue beyond survival, of course.  We would also need in this context to draw a line somewhere about our acquisitive tendencies lest we are driven to the edge of pointlessness.  I have begun to realize that this question is often ducked unless one is actually forced to face the issue – retirement, resignation or loss of one’s job are probably the catalysts that drive one to introspection on this issue.  It is also a critical facet of hedonic adaptation  that yesterday’s luxuries are considered today’s essentials.  Nearly fourteen years ago, I remember eyeing with envy a senior colleague’s Motorola mobile and today when I transit from the corporate Blackberry to acquire a cellphone myself I found it hard to resist owning anything else other than the iPhone.  The fundamental question whether a cellphone is an essential accessory appeared irrelevant – several billions in this planet own one and so “it must be indispensable”.  We also need to ask ourselves whether we genuinely need something or we have to necessarily ” keep up with the Joneses.”

AS IS THE CASE WITH MY iPHONE, it would be difficult for me to contemplate a future without the Kindle or the iPad as I use the former to read and buy the books that I need (I don’t have enough space to stock books physically is yet another justification!) and I need the latter to read all the magazines that I subscribe to.  This takes me further.  If I have to prune my subscription list for magazines, do I give up The F@st Company or Wired  or both ? Do we sell the other car or do we need a car at all ?  The dilemmas continue…

PAUL SMITH, THE COLUMNIST  of Wealth Matters in The  New York Times touches upon this subject in an enormously interesting piece titled Having Enough, but Hungry for More.  He asks us to be sure what we say we want matches up with what we actually want. Thinking about Rajat Gupta who was worth USD 100 mn at the time he revealed inside information to Rajaratnam of the Galleon Hedge Fund  he wonders how many people continue their quest for more without thinking why they are doing it.. He engages us in a discussion with authors of  two key books – one written  by the John Bogle, founder of Vanguard Mutual Funds (the 2nd largest in the world after Fidelity) and the other authored by Keynes’ biographer Robert Skidelsky. The  first book is titled  Enough: True Measures of Money, Business and Life and the other is How Much is Enough ? The Love of Money, and the Case for the Good Life.  For Bogle, his “sense of enough came from not wanting very many things in life.” Skidelsky’s analysis is that “persuading people that they have enough when their neighbor has more is an age old problem that is tough to solve.’  “If you live in a society where success is measured mainly in money, that means you want more money.” 

MY WIFE AND I WILL SOON BE “WEEDING OUT” OUR  WARDROBES.  I am tickled by what the poet Auden once said:  one actually needs only two pairs of clothes – one to get into and the other to get out of ! I wonder what other challenges I will soon confront in knowing actually, how much is enough……